


You Make Today Better

by RonRos47



Category: Joan of Arcadia
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-13 23:15:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20590727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonRos47/pseuds/RonRos47
Summary: God instructs Joan to skip school.  Everyone has their secrets and sometimes we need someone to carry the load.TRIGGER WARNING: Self-harm, suicide





	You Make Today Better

As the doorbell rang Will who was in the kitchen called out, “Is someone going to get that?”

Luke put his juice down. “I got it.”

When Luke went to open the door in front of him stood a UPS delivery woman. “Package for Joan Girardi.”

“Joan,” Luke yelled, “Joan.” Joan came down stairs. It’s for you.”

She saw the delivery woman with a package in hand. “You’re not even going to sign for it?”

“It’s for you, Joan,” said God.

“Oh God,” Joan said.

“Well aren’t you going to sign,” Luke asked.

“Right,” she answered. “It’s fresh outside so I need the air. I’ll sign for it outside.”

“Whatever,” Luke said as he went back in.

Joan closed the door behind her.

“Why do you have to show up at my house like this?” she asked.

“I need you to skip school today,” said mail delivery God.

“What, no, no way. I’ve got a history midterm and an English essay to turn in that counts for half my grade. You expect me to just drop all that?”

“There are some things more important than that.”

“Like what?”

“Skip school today.”

“I can’t.”

“Okay fine don’t.”

“Where am I supposed to go?”

“You’ll know.”

“Right, like that’s helpful.”

God turned his back and waved. “You owe me A’s for this!” Joan called out. She walked back in the house with frustration.

“Where’s your package?” Luke asked.

“What’s a delivery person doing out this early?” asked Will.

“Wrong Joan,” she answered.

“You were out there for over four minutes,” said Luke, “it took that long for it to be the wrong Joan?”

“There were a lot of Joan’s. I’m not the only one in Arcadia you know.”

“Still over four minutes?” 

Joan tore a piece of her pop tart and tossed it at Luke.

“Stop asking so many questions.”

“Hey it was just one.”

“Do you want another piece thrown at you?”

“Joan,” said her brother.

*****

“This sucks,” said Joan, “I have a midterm an essay. Why is he punishing me?”

“Are you talking to your invisible friend again, Girardi,” Grace asked. “You tend to do that a lot. It’s weird.”

“Thanks for pointing that out.”

“Well hey,” said Adam, “you studied for both right so I’m sure you’ll do great.”

“Sure I studied but not like any of it matters.”

“Of course it matters,” said Grace. “It’s like forty percent of our grade.”

Joan laughed, “Ha, I’m totally screwed.”

Adam wrapped an arm around her, “You are not screwed. You’re gonna ace it and you know it.”

“It really doesn’t matter. I’ve gotta go,” said Joan.

“Jane,” Adam called out but Joan ignored him.

“Dude,” said Grace, “did she just like bail?”

*****

Fifteen minutes later Luke ran into Joan’s friends.

“Hey,” he said, “where’s Joan?”

“She’s not here?” asked Adam.

“Why would she be?” asked Luke.

Adam said, “She got a fifteen minute head start on us.”

“Well do you know where she is?”

“We thought you would know,” said Adam.

Grace couldn’t help but laughed, “She was right, she totally is screwed.”

Luke placed a hand on his head, “Oh, God, mom’s gonna kill her.”

*****

Given her day off there was only one place Joan could think of that would be a safe place and one where she wouldn’t have to do a lot of wandering. She paused in front of the door when she saw a kid her age inside. Opening the door she walked in and over to where the girl was standing in the poetry section.

“Hey, don’t I know you?” she asked.

“Not really,” said Annie.

“Sure I do,” said Joan. “We have English together. I’m Joan Girardi.”

“Annie Lima and yeah I’ve seen you in class too.”

“So you decided not to turn in your essay too hu?”

“Turned it in yesterday.”

“Oh. So did you like ditch school or something?” Joan asked.

“You’re here too,” said Annie, “so I’m guessing you’re ditching too?”

“Well kinda. I work here.”

“So what they let you take days off to work?”

“Not exactly.”

“So you did ditch.”

“Yeah I guess so. So since we’re both deserters do you want to hang out or something?”

“Us?”

“Why not, I mean we’ve got the time right?”

Annie stopped at the page she was looking for. “Have you ever heard of “The Highway Man” by Alfred Noyes? He published it in 1906.

“No I haven’t.”

“Then I guess you haven’t been paying attention in class. It’s one of my favorites. It’s about this guy who fell in love with a landlord’s daughter but they could never be together. He got shot on a highway so when his love found out she killed herself. She used a gun. Not exactly the way I’d go out but hey it worked for her. She was lucky though. She couldn’t stand this world, figured she’d be better off without her in it. It doesn’t go on to talk about what happened after. I mean who knows how her dad felt and all that crap. I don’t know maybe that part of the story doesn’t matter.”

“It’s just a poem though right?”

“A good enough poem for it to be turned into a song.”

“There’s a song about it?”

“Let me guess, you’re not a fan of Celtic music.”

“Sorry.”

“Figures. I mean what kind of kids our age do, right?”

“I take it you do?”

Annie passed the book over to Joan. “You should read it and listen to the song. It’s long. The song is like ten minutes long but so worth it.”

“Thanks. So what do you say about hanging out?” Joan said going back to her question.

“You and me?”

“Why not?”

“We don’t even know each other.”

“Isn’t that kind of the point? I mean we’re both ditching school so it’s not like we have anything to do unless you had planned to stay in here all day.”

“I guess we can do something.”

Joan smiled. “Cool.”

*****  
The day wasn’t spend doing much. They continued to spend a little time at the bookstore. Annie bought a few but made a list of others to check out at the library.

“So is this what you do,” asked Joan, “read for fun?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know how you can do that. I have a hard time just reading stuff for school.”

“It helps me clear my head. It’s pretty much the only thing that relaxes me.”

*****

They went to a coffee shop where Annie ordered a tea and Joan ordered a smoothie.

Their final stop of the day was at a music store inside the mall. Annie wasn’t much of a mall person but it was the only place with a descent music store.

“I know it’s not your kind of music,” said Annie as she and Joan were in the new age section, “but it has The Highway man song that I was telling you about.”

Joan held the album in her hand. It was the ‘Book of Secrets’ album by Loreena McKennitt. 

“The poem is good but once you listen to it, it really adds to the emotion of it.”

“Thanks.”

Joan showed off some of the music she was into so Annie decided to get an album. 

“You like Christian music?” asked Joan as they made their way to the Christian section.

“Not really. I’m, well I don’t know what I am. I just really like this band.”

“Skillet,” said Joan. “They’re Christian rock right?”

“Yeah. They don’t always sing about God and stuff so those are the songs I like. Like this one,” she pointed out to the song ‘Never Surrender’. “It’s about not wanting to feel alone, and feeling like no one can save you but feeling they have no choice and then it suddenly gets optimistic about not having to surrender to it. I’ve always been skeptical about that part.”

“Well if you can be saved then isn’t that a good thing?”

“I guess, but not everyone wants to be.” Annie said walking away.

After they paid for their CDs Annie looked at Joan, “hey, sorry it’s time for me to go. There’s some stuff I have to take care of.”

“Yeah me too. My mom’s gonna kill me when she finds out I had a ditch day.” 

“This was fun though.”

“Yeah I had fun too. Hey Annie, maybe we can hang out again sometime or at least talk to each other at school.”

“Yeah that’d be cool.” Annie smiled, “I’ll see ya, Joan.”

“Yeah,” said Joan, “see ya.”

*****

“Should she really be alone, Joan?” asked music store God.

“Why not?”

God shrugged. 

“Hey I have done what you asked. I’ve skipped school, which I am so getting in trouble for but I’m pretty sure Annie was the assignment right? Well I’ve spent time with her and you know she’s pretty cool and I’m sure we’ll hang out now that we’ve gotten to know each other but even people like their space so after today can you blame her?” 

“There’s always more to the story. Everyone has one. They’re all hiding a piece of themselves. Sometimes they need someone to guide them and share the load.”  
Joan took the bag and walked out of the store. 

*****

After spending time with Annie, Joan had gone home. Annie had some personal business to take care of so she wanted to do it alone. As Joan turned on her CD player she began to listen to the album that Annie gave her. She put the song version of “The Highway Man” by Loreena McKennitt and followed along with the poem. Joan didn’t like Celtic music. In fact she hadn’t even heard of the genre but as she listened to it she found it to be pretty good. Annie had been right, listening to the song version added a different vibe and stronger emotion than you could get from just reading it.

*****

A couple hours later Joan’s phone rang. She looked at the number but did not recognize it. She answered it anyways.

“Joan,” said a woman on the other end, “Joan Girardi?”

“Who is this?”

“I’m Sara Lima, Annie’s mom.”

“Mrs. Lima hi.”

“I need your help.”

Joan suddenly got concerned by the tone of Sara’s voice.

*****

“Thanks for coming,” said Sara.

“Where is she?”

“Upstairs. She won’t come out of her room.”

Joan followed Annie’s mom upstairs.

“Annie,” Joan called out, “Annie.”

“Go away, Joan!”

“I can’t do that.”

“Yes you can. Forget you came here, forget you even met me.”

“I’m not doing that. Look, this life, I get it, it sucks, it sucks big time but you’re not alone in this. Okay you have your family and you have me.”

“This isn’t about them.”

“Maybe not right now and I’m not telling you to live for your family. It doesn’t work like that sometimes. Sometimes you have to do what’s right for you.”

“This is the right thing.”

“No, no it’s not. What’s that song you told me about earlier at the music shop, that song ‘Never Surrender’ by Skillet right?” Joan waited for an answer and when she didn’t get one she continued. “Whatever it is you’re doing in there don’t surrender to it now.”

“I don’t have a choice.”

“Yes you do, honey,” said Mrs. Lima.

“Get her out of here!” said Annie.

“You do have a choice,” said Joan, “we all do. What you do next is all on you but I’m telling you, you do not have to do this. Annie, do you believe in God?”

“Not really.”

“Okay well what if I told you he was real?”

“You’re crazy.”

“A lot of people tell me that but it’s true. I just know and I’m pretty sure God wouldn’t want you to kill yourself because if he did he wouldn’t have sent me here.”

“God sent you to stop me?”

“Yeah he did. Even if you don’t believe me coming here has to count for something right?” Annie had no answer. “You just have to trust me. Just open the door, please.”

Annie sat in front of her bed, tears in her eyes. No she didn’t believe in God but there was something comforting in Joan’s words. They’d been familiar with each other in class but they’d never talked or interacted but then today of all days they both happened to skip school and run into each other. Annie believed things just happened, that there was no reason for it. She didn’t consider herself an atheist but she didn’t consider herself a believer in God. She didn’t know what she was. None of it mattered though, at least it wasn’t supposed to. So then why was Joan getting to her? She didn’t need some kind of savior. All she needed was to be left alone, to end it once and for all but she couldn’t.

Reluctantly she got up from the floor and walked to the door. She hesitated as she unlocked it and then peeked out.

“Just Joan,” she said to her mom.

Mrs. Lima obliged and Joan walked in. Annie walked back over to where she was sitting and Joan sat in front of her. Blood was streaming down both of Annie’s arms.  
Joan reached forward and touched her arms, “Annie.”

“It’s not that bad,” she said with tears.

Neither of them bought that for a second. Of course it was bad. There were fresh cuts all up and down Annie’s arms with the deepest seeming to be at her wrists.

“Give me the blade, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

Annie hesitated but handed the blade over. Joan put it out of reach, then grabbed a shirt that was hanging over a chair. She tore it apart, having seen it done on some medical show. She placed the strips of cloth over her arms, pressing hard on the wrists to stop the bleeding.

“Why do you care?” Annie finally said.

“I need a reason?”

“Yeah.”

“I guess I care because I don’t like to see people struggling, I don’t like to see them in pain.”

“You can’t save everyone. Sometimes people don’t want to be saved.”

“Maybe not but it feels like my job sometimes. I guess I figure I can make a difference somehow.”

“Why because God tells you to?”

“Something like that.”

Annie just nodded. Given that she didn’t believe in God she felt she had no right to judge.

“but why save me? I’m no one, nothing, just some kid who you’ve seen in English class. Why do I matter?”

“Everyone matters.”

“Still there are a dozen people you could’ve helped. Why help me?”

“Because sometimes it’s the overlooked that need the help the most. We know of each other from class sure but we don’t really know what a person is going through until we dig beneath the surface. I don’t know I guess after spending time with you today I felt like I got to know you a little better and I was able to see the pain you were in.”  
Annie nodded, “it started when I was twelve, the depression, I don’t know why. It just happens I guess. The cutting started not long after. Then whenever things got bad I would get even more depressed and cut even more. At some point it just became too much. Ending it was all I could think about. Had you not shown up I would have. I wanted to all day, guess you just helped me put it off.”

“But you didn’t do it.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m gonna call your mom in here is that okay? These shirts are soaking through.”

Annie nodded. 

“Mrs. Lima.”

Mrs. Lima came into the room. She saw the mess and simply said, “Oh honey,” and then went to the bathroom to get some gauze.

Joan took one and wrapped one arm while Mrs. Lima wrapped another.

“I’m so sorry, mom.”

“It’s okay, sweetie, we’re going to get you some help, I promise.” Once the arms were wrapped Mrs. Lima helped her daughter stand. “I should get her to the hospital.”

“Sure.”

Mrs. Lima turned to the blade on the floor. “I should also throw that away.”

“That’s okay,” said Joan, as she picked it up. “I’ve got it.”

Mrs. Lima smiled, “Thank you for your help, Joan.”

“Guess I owe ya one, hu,” said Annie.

“No,” said Joan, “you don’t owe me anything. I’m just glad I was here to help.”

*****

“You did good, Joan,” said dog walker God as Joan saw him as she was coming out of Annie’s house.

“Thanks, I guess.”

“You did what I asked you carried her load but sometimes that’s not all.”

“It never is right.”

“Everyone will always have a load to carry. Everyone has their secrets.”

“Secrets, so that was hers I get it.”

“There’s more to it than that, Joan. Just look at the secrets you carry.”

Joan stopped walking. “Wait are you saying what I think you’re saying? Why?” Joan remembered he didn’t answer the ‘why’ questions. “Sorry, force of habit but why?”

God didn’t answer instead he walked away with his dogs and waved.

*****

“Mom,” said Joan as she entered the house.

“Where have you been,” asked her mom. “I called your cell, which you probably had turned off since you normally do. I tried your friends, your brothers. No one has seen you all day and why did you skip school?”

“It’s a long story.”

“Well I’m all ears.”

“Where’s dad?”

“He had to work late so you’re lucky it’s just me right now.”

“I’m sorry there was just something I had to do.”

“Joan, there is always something to do. What I don’t know is what those things are more than half the time.”

“I know and I have valid reasons.”

“I’m sure you do because you always seem to but you never tell me what those reasons are. I want to trust you, Joan, I do but how can I when you’re keeping so many secrets?”

“Secrets,” she whispered. “Yeah,” Joan said softly, “those secrets. Are you sure this is a good idea?” she asked God.

Her mom answered the question, “yes I think it’s a good idea. Now sit.” Joan reluctantly went over and took a seat with her mom on the couch. “Why don’t you start by telling me why you skipped school.”

“I just had to.”

“That’s not good enough. Why?”

“Do we have to start with the ‘why’ questions? There’s usually never answers behind them.”

“Joan.”

“Okay guess I can find one. Mom, you ever think about God?”

“Joan, do not use my religion against me.”

“No I’m not, I’m just asking a question.”

“I think about him all the time but what does God have to do with anything?”

“Everything.”

“I’m not following.”

“Remember that dream you told us about last year, the one you said God was a teenage boy.”

Her mom nodded, “The one with a corduroy jacket and spiky hair as you described him.”

“That’s the one.”

“You said you had the same dream.”

“What did he say to you?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Mom please, what did he say to you?”

“Why is this so important?”

“It just is.”

“Okay. Well he turned into you and said that you had to do with everything and that you were open to possibility. I didn’t quite understand what that meant. I still don’t. Why does any of this matter? This is about you and what you did today.”

“That’s why it matters. That guy in the jacket was God and I know this because it wasn’t really a dream. I mean it was but not a normal kind of dream.”

“What are you saying?”

“It’s real. He’s real. All of those things I’ve been doing have been because he’s asked me, well she sometimes. Like today. The reason I wasn’t at school, the reason I was home late was because God told me not to be.”

“God told you not to go to class?”

“Yes. And I know, I know this sounds crazy and you’ll probably send me back to crazy camp but it won’t do any good because it’s real. I am not making this up.”

“Okay so help me out here, Joan, you’re saying God is real and he told you not to go to school. Assuming he did that why would he do it?”

“Because I had to help someone. There was this kid about my age, a kid that goes to our school. Mom, she was going to kill herself.”

“What?”

“And that’s why I had to skip school. You know because if I hadn’t she’d be dead and it would’ve been my fault and then he probably would’ve smite me although probably not, the whole free will thing and everything but she would’ve been dead had I not been there. I didn’t get it before but I get it now.”

“You’ve lost me.”

“After saving Annie’s life I realized sometimes we need other people to take the load otherwise we end up in that darkness and alone and we feel there’s no way out.”

“Annie, Annie Lima?”

Joan nodded.

“Wait you said ‘we’? Joan, are you saying you’ve thought about killing yourself?”

“No I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that I needed to share her burden. She didn’t have anyone else.”

“What about her mom?”

“Mom, I’m pretty sure no kid wants to admit that they’re cutting themselves or want to kill themselves. That’s what makes it scary. If they don’t talk about it how are they going to get help? Mom, I have been carrying around this secret for so long. I’ve wanted to tell you so many times but I couldn’t because I was just afraid you’d think I was crazy and I-,”

Joan’s mom smiled, “I don’t think you’re crazy, honey.”

“Wait, you don’t?”

“No. That time you got sick I had this feeling that something was happening to you and when, I guess God told me that you had everything to do with whatever was going on I just knew. Then when you said God didn’t exist you know I dismissed it but deep down I kind of always knew it was all true.”

“Why didn’t you say anything? I mean you’re into the whole God thing now.”

“I figured you would tell me at some point.”

“So you don’t think I’m crazy?”

“No, honey, I don’t think you’re crazy. In fact all of those things you’ve been doing, now it all makes sense. Just let me ask you something: does God always look like a teenage boy?”

Joan smiled, “No not always.”

“Then what does he look like?”

“I guess it’s whatever I need him to be. Sometimes God has been a little kid or an old lady. It all depends I guess.”

“Huh.”

“So does this mean I’m not grounded?”

“Oh you are still grounded. Just because you’re on missions from God does not change that. He’s got to set some ground rules for some parental authority or something like that.”

“It kind of doesn’t work like that although he’s totally into this whole free will thing so I’m pretty sure you’re okay. Sucks for me though.”

“Good to know.”

“Mom, you’re not going to tell dad about this are you?”

“No this is one thing your father doesn’t need to know.”

“Thanks.”

“But I will tell him that you skipped school so you are grounded.

“That I can live with.”

Her mom brought her in for a hug. “I love you, Joan.”

“Love you too, mom.”

“Okay it’s late, you should get to bed.”

Joan nodded, got up from the couch and made her way upstairs.

Outside teenage boy God stood in front of the house. He smiled, put his hands in his pockets and walked down the sidewalk.

**Author's Note:**

> If you or someone you know is struggling with self-harm or suicide there ways you can get help.
> 
> I'm also always open to talk if anyone needs to. I've gone through my personal battles with self harm and suicidal thoughts so I understand the pain and the darkness.


End file.
